Keep your bike clean

Another Team Redlands reminder to all riders. If you got out in the rain today don't forget to clean your bike. A $ 9,300 Trek can quickly loose it's value. A quick washing of the components should do the trick. Don't forget to lubricate your chain and all other critical moving parts.

PS: Scott Cochran won this months free bike wash. See chopper for your gift certificate.

Turkey and Scotch

I jumped the gun on this years Thanksgiving. I purchased two Swanson's Turkey dinners. I ate one tonight to get myself in the Holiday spirit. The good people of Swanson's really need to add some cranberry sauce to complete that sense of holiday one looks for in a TV dinner.

Once you remove the dinner from the aluminum tray and put it on your dead grandmothers plates it really looks pretty authentic. All I need now is a pack of non filter camels , scotch and a butter dish with cat hair in it to complete the look.

In honor of family and the holidays I am going to share with you some true family stories. If you have a weak stomach don't read any further.

My uncle Tim graduated from College he called grandpa and said , Hey I am graduating this Saturday. grandpa said where's that gonna be ? Uncle Tim said in front of the library. My grandpa said No, where did you go to college ?

While walking to the Pontoon boat at Lake Cicero my grandmother lost her balance ( see scotch ) fell into the water but caught her leg on a six inch exposed nail. It cut her leg like a fish. My grandfather proclaimed you will do anything to Fuck up my weekend.

My grandmother was killed in her kitchen in Elwood Indiana. She was sitting at the dinner table in her chair. The chair was between the dining room table and the Refrigerator. She would lean over and pull food from the fridge. One day (see scotch) she pulled the fridge on top off her and it killed her. The brand name of the fridge was a Norge. On the coroner cause of death It was listed that she was " Norged".

Lucky for my grandparent's they lived next door to Dunnichay funeral home. Grandma was moved via the desk chair in the office out the front door on the sidewalk and into the funeral home. This is an important fact because we had a $280.00 transportation charge on the bill. They said it was a standard fee. My uncle Tim offered to double that fee if they could get her feet clean.

Happy Thanksgiving to your family and don't forget the scotch it always makes for great memories.

It's a long way to the front of the line

As luck would have it not enough of the Team Redlands members returned their privacy act notices by the power rankings deadline. These notices are standard releases that you must fill out to appear on TV , a game show , realty show or dimly lighted porn.

Therefore in lieu of using the riders real name I have had to use their nicknames. Below is the current Team power rankings in nickname form only. Through the process of elimination you should be able to determine the said rider.

T-BONE
RAY RAY
THE VIRGIN
CHIM-CHIM
VEGETABLE LASAGNA
GERBIL
BUBBLE BOY
JUMBO SHRIMP
ASSMAN
COCO THE MONKEY

Lets face it privacy act rights or not , we all know who's in charge come sleet , snow , rain or power rankings. It Starts with a J and ends in a T.

Stay classy Redlands

Anticipation for the power rankings are building. Here is a picture from last years 1st annual power rankings gala and awards ceremony.

Qoute's of the night

"Damn it's good to ride with the Four Horseman. Did I mention I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany. "

"I don't know how to put this but I'm kind of a big deal."

"Boy, that escalated quickly. I mean that really got out of hand fast! "

"I will smash your face into a car windshield, and then take your mother out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again."

Understanding the power rankings

In preparation of the upcoming Power Rankings I have allowed the public this one time opportunity to have a peek at the Team Redlands PR system.

Here is a sample of how the Team Redlands power rankings are computed. Below are Scott's scores as computed by the PR system. The PR system is a registered trademark of Team Redlands.

Works = Yes = 10 points
Extra credit =Works at an office = Yes = 5 points

Has Children = No = 0 points
Extra credit =Can name his kids = n/a = 0 points

Owns a Gun = Not sure = 0 points
Extra credit = CW permit = works in colton = 0 points

Drinks Beer = Big Yes = 10 points
Extra credit = Drinks at Hangar = name on Parking spot = 5 points

Rides a Trek = Yes = 10 points
Extra credit = Greg Johnson # on cell phone = maybe = 3 points

Republican = shaves his head = 6 points
Democrat = no
Extra credit = Attended a tea party function = not a tea drinker

Single = No
Married = Yes = 0 points
Divorcee = Yes = 10 points
Extra credit = I don't know your wife's name = Carla ? = 10 points

Live in Redlands = No = 0 points
Live near the CC = No = 0 points
Extra credit = Don't live in Mentone = Yes = 2 points

Year in Kit = Old School = 8 points
Extra credit = Never worn another teams kit = No green in the closet = 2 points

Ink = ? = 1 point
Extra credit = Moms name on arm = Not sure , arm warmers = 0 points

Hobby other than cycling = Belgium Beer = 5 points
Extra credit = Helping fellow man = Under insured motorist = 4 points
Reduction in credit = Thinks cycling is more than just a hobby = still a hobby = 10 points

Total Points = 101

Power rankings coming soon

Cat gangs have a been around for centuries. To this day you can trace the corporate structure of cats to many companies such as Apple , Ford and Purina.

Last week El Presedente was not on the ride. Which begs the question . Who is next in command. Who calls the shots. Who decides when and where we ride.

The answer to that question can only mean one thing . it's time for a new and updated power rankings. Team power rankings are being calculated and will be done after the weekend rides. please no calls or gifts during the calculation period.

Will I get a 1099 ?

The lesbians I have been donating my sperm to are missing ! Sounds like a headline in your morning paper right. Well maybe if you live in Amsterdam. but surely not in Redlands.

See years ago Americans were told via Madison avenue that If you wore 100 % Cotton Dockers you could have an old fashion bull session with your buddies. You would wear these pants and instantly you would be a member of an Algonquin round table. I owned Dockers and yes I did feel and look smarter. But did they make me one of the boys?

last Saturday after the ride the spandex round table was in rare form. I am not sure about the tipping point of Cotton to Spandex but it may have been around the time that Lance got caught on the kids back pack and fell.

Those Dockers guys were smart. But they never touched subject matter like the Lesbians who stole my sperm or why things moved by land are called shipments and things moved by ship are called Cargo?

So, next Saturday after the ride hang out at Stells and maybe you can find out how to make money hand over fist too.

Please no comments about the symbolism of the fish.

Stick my head in what?

During the 30 day window to talk to other teams I was contacted by the assistant to the travelling secretary for Team Astana.

Apparently they have lost many riders to the Shack and were looking to fill a few spots. The try-out consisted of sticking your head in a cardboard cut-out. Here you can see the results of the cardboard test.

I did fall trying to take my head out of the cardboard cut-out and severely burned myself on a barbecue. they said they would call me and it's been about 3 weeks?

Don't believe the morning paper

The rush is on

This weekend marked the beginning of Cycling rush here in Redlands. Our team received around 300 applications to join Team Redlands. Regretfully we were only allowed to fill a couple of slots.

The initial phase of hazing , I mean initiations was to perform many duties of the domestique. In the past some of the news guys had trouble getting Norms bagel just right and Hectors Latte order foamy enough.

Currently the most promising applicant is a guy with an Ironman Tattoo on his leg. His Taxes are in order and he is in much need of a free Insurance "what if." His resume includes a bar fight with a tranny and he has eaten a 72 ounce steak at the Big Texan in Dallas.

Welcome Brain, can you pick up my helmet.