Frequently Asked Questions

As the unofficial scribe for team Redlands, I receive many general questions. Here is a small sample of some frequently asked questions.

Question: Is there a cap on the number of members in your club ?
Answer: Yes, we are limited. The number is classified. Please send me a photo of yourself in a bathing suit.

Question: I look really good on a bike, my kit, my legs, and helmet. But I don’t know how to dress casual, can you help me out ?
Answer: Yes, stop wearing mommy jeans. You’re not a mom and it’s not 1994.

Question: If I leave team Redlands can I come back next year ?
Answer: No, there is currently a 3 year waiting list.

Question: Do you really go to the gym with JT ?
Answer: Yes, but we never go in the spa or Jacuzzi.

Question: Are we doing a gift exchange on the team ?
Answer: Due to the economy here is the rule for Christmas, If you crap your pants you get a gift.


Question: Did you get some Ink ?
Answer: I got my face painted at the oak glen blueberry festival.

Question: I noticed I was not listed on the power ranking are you a sexist ?
Answer: Is Tiger Woods a golfer.

Question: I thought you guys were going to be sponsored by Hangar 24 ?
Answer: Even Budweiser couldn't afford to give away that much free beer.

Question: Do you guys get together after cycling and hang out ?
Answer: Oh sure just the other day one of the four horseman invited me over to his kids birthday party and I hurt myself in the jumpy castle.

Driver comes forward

Driver of vehicle comes forward and turns herself in. She has offered to mow my lawn and do my taxes. Lucky for me I have no lawn and do my own taxes.

Another one bites the dust

Warning to all cyclist on Barton Road. The last two weeks has seen multiple cyclist go down between Taylor's Bar and Terracina. Keep your helmet on until you are standing in line at Stells.

The above vehicle was driving erratic behind myself and Norm. I don't think it takes a genius to know who went down. Lucky for me it was on the side of my Pelvis broken in 5 places last year. Good thing I am a quick healer.

Free Lifetime tune-ups

When was the last time you took the rig down to Cyclery USA in Redlands to cash in on that free lifetime tune-up. For me that day was yesterday.

Here is the deal I have no idea what the freak a bottom bracket does or what PSI a Continental should be run at following a early season rain. But you know who does Steve Berg.

Steve is truly a Renaissance man. Its hard to find a guy who has fought in the Octagon. Invented that little heart shaped foam thing in a Latte , can hook up your perm for an appearance on Tyra and for the right amount of cash could probably bust out some prison ink.

Anyhow, My bike has made a bottom bracket kinda kachunky noise for 10 months. Steve fixed that problem , found another, warranted out my " Johnson rod " , something about my drive-train, chain issue, hooked me up with some tires and noticed my saddle is showing and unusual wear pattern.

So if the last time you got a free tune was from a neighborhood kid with a wrench it just might be time to get down to the shop. Damn , I am glad I did.

Award season is here

USA Cycling announced there are only a few days left to apply for USA Cycling's annual "Club of the Year" awards. On December 18, the national governing body will award three "Overall Club of the Year" designations and seven special awards to clubs that have made exceptional efforts in 2009.

Team Redlands has been notified that they are finalists in one of the special awards categories:

Women in Cycling appreciation in a tasteful manner.

Obviously we here at Team Redlands are excited about the nomination. We continue to appreciate women in cycling and have made a commitment that should be a model to clubs around the country.

Due to the economic constraints Team Redlands will not be able to attend the Club of the year awards. Team funds are tied up in litigation unrelated to pictures used on this blog.

Maybe next year they will have an award for Team Blog of the year.

Keep your bike clean

Another Team Redlands reminder to all riders. If you got out in the rain today don't forget to clean your bike. A $ 9,300 Trek can quickly loose it's value. A quick washing of the components should do the trick. Don't forget to lubricate your chain and all other critical moving parts.

PS: Scott Cochran won this months free bike wash. See chopper for your gift certificate.

Turkey and Scotch

I jumped the gun on this years Thanksgiving. I purchased two Swanson's Turkey dinners. I ate one tonight to get myself in the Holiday spirit. The good people of Swanson's really need to add some cranberry sauce to complete that sense of holiday one looks for in a TV dinner.

Once you remove the dinner from the aluminum tray and put it on your dead grandmothers plates it really looks pretty authentic. All I need now is a pack of non filter camels , scotch and a butter dish with cat hair in it to complete the look.

In honor of family and the holidays I am going to share with you some true family stories. If you have a weak stomach don't read any further.

My uncle Tim graduated from College he called grandpa and said , Hey I am graduating this Saturday. grandpa said where's that gonna be ? Uncle Tim said in front of the library. My grandpa said No, where did you go to college ?

While walking to the Pontoon boat at Lake Cicero my grandmother lost her balance ( see scotch ) fell into the water but caught her leg on a six inch exposed nail. It cut her leg like a fish. My grandfather proclaimed you will do anything to Fuck up my weekend.

My grandmother was killed in her kitchen in Elwood Indiana. She was sitting at the dinner table in her chair. The chair was between the dining room table and the Refrigerator. She would lean over and pull food from the fridge. One day (see scotch) she pulled the fridge on top off her and it killed her. The brand name of the fridge was a Norge. On the coroner cause of death It was listed that she was " Norged".

Lucky for my grandparent's they lived next door to Dunnichay funeral home. Grandma was moved via the desk chair in the office out the front door on the sidewalk and into the funeral home. This is an important fact because we had a $280.00 transportation charge on the bill. They said it was a standard fee. My uncle Tim offered to double that fee if they could get her feet clean.

Happy Thanksgiving to your family and don't forget the scotch it always makes for great memories.